i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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