The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
