I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
