my sisters under your porch take her home
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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