I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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