Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
