Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize