Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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