she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
