I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
