go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize