so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
