i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize