i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
