yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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