I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
