I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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