We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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