I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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