my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
