I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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