Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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