There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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