Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
