I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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