Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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