somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
