I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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