I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We talked him into tasing himself.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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