I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
