He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
