The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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