God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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