is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
