im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
