Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
