took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
