I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
