someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
