Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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