I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
