Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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