Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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