Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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