Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
