if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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