I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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