remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
