My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
