I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
