I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
