After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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