no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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