i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
handjob tips. give me some.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
