Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
