...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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