Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
