i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
