I bet he comes in French.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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