I'll bet she douches with gravy.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
